The Art of No: 5 Ways to Live Within Your Capacity
Early on in my minimalist journey, I realized the life reset I desired would largely be shaped by one little word: “no.”
This “no epiphany” happened during a routine Saturday morning encounter with a coffee mug. One that, on this particular weekend, between sips of hot liquid, prompted me to think deeper…
My life paralleled this mug—it could only contain so much.
I, like this mug, had a fixed capacity. Living within my capacity meant the liquid stayed in the mug, sweetener could be added, and it (life) could be enjoyed.
Going beyond my capacity?
That meant an overflow of liquid everywhere, seeping into the cracks of my soul, diluting my presence, and washing away my fervor for life.
At the present time, overwhelm had been rising around me, simply because I’d been living outside of my capacity. I was determined to own it all, do it all, be it all… and it had pushed my life over the brim.
The rim of my hypothetical coffee mug looked less like the top of a container and more like a waterfall submerging everything in its path.
Minimalism was my lifeline. My way out of the daily deluge.
Minimalism required questioning my possessions, commitments, and even my self-talk thoughts. I began to realize what wasn’t adding value to my life and to firmly tell it “no.” No, it could not take up space if it no longer served me. Soon, the flood levels lowered.
As I let go of what wasn’t truly important in my life, I began to realize what was. Inner peace overrode showy accumulation. Connection trumped to-do lists. Alignment outdid accolades.
“No” created the boundaries I needed to uphold these life-giving discoveries.
When to say no
To live within our capacity means becoming fluent in one word: “no.”
In today’s more-is-better culture it’s not common to be taught when to say “no.” But maybe that’s for the better—”no” looks different for everyone. It’s an intuition-based response, one that many of us have been conditioned out of.
A three-year-old utters (or yells) “no” without resistance. For a thirty-three-year-old who feels socially obligated to buy more and do more, “no” doesn’t flow quite like it used to.
While it’s your job to determine when “no” is the right response for you, here are five things to consider saying “no” to so to live within your capacity:
1. Hurry
We often hurry because we’ve said “yes” to too many things. “Yes” becomes overused when we don’t truly grasp what is important.
Psychologists have now coined the term “hurry sickness.” While not an official diagnosable condition, hurry sickness makes us miss out on our lives, hyper-focused on jumping from one thing to the next.
Psychologists say you may have it if you…
Scan and switch check out aisles at the grocery store in constant search of the shortest line.
Change lanes at an intersection to get into the lane with the fewest cars.
Multitask between so many things you forget one of the things you are doing.
Done any of these? Me too.
Let’s say “no” to making hurry our default mode and “yes” to moving through life in a more present state.
2. Impulse shopping
We’re fed the lie daily that more stuff equals more happiness (to the tune of up to 5,000 ads per day). While we all need basic things to live, the “good life” can’t be bought.
Look around the room and ask yourself, “How much have I recently spent on stuff that is now sitting in piles around my house, taking up my space, and stressing me out?” You don’t want more of it. Less stuff brought home means less clutter to contend with.
Let’s say “no” to purchasing on a whim and “yes” to consuming well-thought-out needs.
3. Half-hearted commitments
While there’s nothing wrong with having a full life, when busyness takes over, our schedules become far from supportive. To live a purpose-filled, intentional life requires reconciling ourselves with the reality of our limitations. We can’t do it all, nor are we called to.
In the words of David Allen, “You can do anything, but not everything.”
Remember that when we say “no,” we give others the opportunity to step up and say “yes.” Greg McKeown, in his book Essentialism, recommends only saying “yes” if the commitment is something you feel 100% called to. He says, “If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.”
Let’s say “no” to half-hearted commitments and “yes” to commitments that are life-giving.
4. Unintentional scrolling
Your phone is likely your biggest distraction. Americans spend an average of 3 hours and 30 minutes a day on their phone (over 2 of those hours are spent on social media). We could blame the phone’s addictive designs and all-encompassing functions. But, if we’re honest, the reason for our distraction may be internal.
We seek out distractions to stay mentally busy, so we can avoid facing bigger questions—like whether we’re living genuinely meaningful lives.
Keep your phone on grayscale mode to turn down its addictive qualities. Also, set timers on social media apps or fast from them completely if needed.
Let’s say “no” to unintentional scrolling and say “yes” to more time for what matters.
5. Unsupportive relationships
The people around you shape who you are and who you will become. Research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard says the people you habitually associate with determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.
As Joshua Fields Millburn of The Minimalists says, “You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.”
Let’s say “no” to unsupportive, toxic, draining relationships and say “yes” to surrounding ourselves with people who lift us higher and propel us toward our best selves.
The Art of saying no
Saying “no” to ourselves (less scrolling, less shopping) can be easier than saying “no” to others (breaking a commitment or relationship). External “no’s” often involve societal expectations or caring what others think.
Saying “no” is an art. To say it respectfully, tactfully, and sincerely in a way that honors your God-given capacity, takes practice. When saying “no” in a difficult situation, remember the three B’s:
Brief – Be as brief as possible when saying no. You might want to offer a legitimate reason for your refusal, but do not go into long, elaborate excuses. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. If your reason for saying “no” supports you, then that’s what matters. It’s okay if others don’t understand.
Body Language – Use body language that demonstrates confidence such as direct eye contact and good posture. Use a calm, firm voice.
Broken Record – Use the broken record technique if the person you are refusing continues to persist. Do not use excuses (ex. “No, I’m not able to. Right now, no, I’m not able to.”).
In Conclusion
Saying “no” is a skill worth honing to live a present, intentional life.
The bottom line is this: our homes and our lives only have a certain amount of space. It’s our job to choose carefully what we allow to fill them. We’re the only ones who can know our capacity and design a life within it.
In her book The Best Yes, Lysa TerKeurst says, “Whenever you say ‘yes’ to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your ‘yes’ is worth the less.”
Every “yes” we extend raises the contents of our hypothetical mug toward the brim of its capacity. Too many “yeses” leave us feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin. Then, life becomes diluted and we have less of ourselves to pour into the things that truly matter.
Let’s say “no” to entertaining the excess, the trivial, and the unsupportive, and “yes” to living the meaningful, aligned lives we’re called to live.
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Julia Ubbenga is a freelance journalist whose teachings on minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living have reached thousands of people worldwide through her blog. Julia also practices what she preaches in her Kansas City home. She resides with her husband, two extremely lively young daughters, three-year-old son, and baby girl. You can also find her on Instagram.
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