Why Using Intentional Feedback and Skipping the “Good Job!” Matters
Our 18 month old gripped a wooden horse piece, sliding it around her farm puzzle with great effort until it finally fell in place. “Good job!” I said, enthusiastically. She grabbed another piece – a cow this time – and repeated the motion. “Good job!” I said again. She reached for a third animal, struggling a bit as she slipped it place. But this time she stopped. She looked at me.
“Uh-oh,” I thought. “This isn’t about the puzzle anymore, now it’s about hearing praise from Mama.” I realized the more I praised, the more reassurance she needed from me. This wasn’t exactly helping develop her intrinsic motivation or her love for puzzles.
Just how many times a day was I saying good job, anyway? Surprisingly often. I wanted to give positive feedback to our daughters, but wanted to do it in a way that helped each girl build her own sense of self.
In Alfie Kohn’s article, “Five reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’” he explains that:
- Praise can actually be used to manipulate children when we use it as a bargaining tool to motivate them.
- It creates praise junkies.
- Praise can actually take the joy away, with children looking for us to reassurance rather than experiencing delight at what they have achieved.
- Children can become less motivated when they do something for praise, because it removes the meaning for themselves.
- Praise can lower achievement – when an activity is tied to the pressure to perform, the child’s interests or pleasure in the activity goes down, or they take fewer risks.
I thought about how I talked to other adults. I was much more specific in my feedback, I realized. Would I say “good job” to my husband when he helped the girls tidy up the living room? Of course not! I’d say, “It’s so nice to walk into the living room when everything has been put away.”
I wanted to replace my “good jobs” with richer feedback like this. Being conscious of it was the first step. Once I was more aware of my responses, I could choose to change them.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk provides three main guidelines for providing feedback to children:
- Describe what we see. Focus on the process rather than the product and describe what our child has done. Give feedback by using positive and factual descriptions of the child’s actions and accomplishments.
- “You took your plate to the kitchen.”
- “You look really pleased with yourself.”
- “You got dressed all by yourself.”
- ”You put all the blocks in the basket and put them back on the shelf.”
- “You used blue and red paint. I see a swirl over here.”
- Sum it up in a word.
- “You packed your bag and are ready to go the beach. Now, that’s what I call independence.”
- “You helped your grandma with her bag. Now that’s what I call being thoughtful.”
- “You wiped up the water on the floor with the mop without me asking. That’s what I call being resourceful.”
- Describe how we feel.
- “I am so excited for you.”
- “It’s great to see the room tidy.”
So I tried again the next day, sitting across from my daughter and her farm puzzle. I was determined to break my “Good job”’ habit. “You put the horse in!” I said as she proudly slid the wooden piece in place. “You have the cow. You put it in,” I continued. She finished the activity without any praise-seeking pauses. And, my rich feedback gave multiple language models to help build her expressive vocabulary.
I still catch myself giving praise instead of feedback. And when I do, I quickly rephrase, try a more specific alternative, and observe how my daughters respond. And I’ll keep trying to be intentional with my feedback. Because, to me, teaching our daughters to develop their own internal motivation – knowing that they don’t need a pat on the back to feel good about their accomplishments – is worth it.