This Year, Learn How to say “No”

A napkin on a Southwest flight to Dallas caught my eye recently. It read, “In a world full of no, we’re a plane full of yes.” While I understood the customer-friendly statement the airline was making, the slogan got me thinking.

Are our worlds really full of no? For many people ‘no’ is a difficult word. One we don’t use often enough. We forget to stop and discern each request for our time. We say yes without thinking the opportunity through and deeming it essential (read the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown for more on this). When we say yes again and again, soon we find no time left for our overcommitted selves. Or no time left for those few things in our life that are most important.

Would saying no more often lead to better health, stronger relationships, and a simpler, more peaceful life? Most of us agree that it absolutely would. But for many of us, we need to learn not only when, but also how to say no. It might not come naturally at first. It takes a plan. It takes practice. But it’s doable, and it’s necessary to live a more meaningful, intentional life. 

Here are 10 tips to use when saying no:

1. First explain where you stand (yes or no). If you are unsure, then explain that you want time to think it over. 

2. Ask for clarification if you are not sure you fully understand the request. (Ex. “Are you asking me to …”).

3. Be as brief as possible when saying no. You might want to offer a legitimate reason for your refusal, but do not go into long, elaborate excuses. 

4. Use the word “No” when declining. It is more definite and powerful than “Well, I don’t think so…”.

5. Use body language that demonstrates confidence (Ex. Direct eye contact, good posture).

6. Use a calm, firm voice. Slow your rate of speech and lower your pitch. You can tell anyone anything in the right tone of voice.

7. Use the broken record technique if the person you are refusing continues to persist. Do not use excuses. (Ex. No, I’m not able to. Right now, no, I’m not able to).

8. Use the words “I won’t” or “I have decided not to” instead of “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t”. These words emphasize that you have made a choice.

9. If the person persists after you have repeated the refusal several times, then use silence or change the subject.

10. You may want to acknowledge the other person’s feelings about your refusal if you know this will be difficult for the person to accept. (Ex. “I know this may be disappointing for you, but I will not…).

Remember that when we say no, we give others the opportunity to step up. We can’t do everything, nor are we called to. 

Let’s look at our schedules this new year and save our “yes” for what is essential.