A Lesson in Letting Go

A Lesson in Letting Go

A couple of weeks ago an unexpected moment with extended family reminded me of an important lesson in letting go. 

My six-year-old daughter, Elena, stood outside an Iowa Super 8 blithely clutching a white envelope to her chest. I gave little thought to the envelope’s contents. 

It was likely a handmade gift for her aunt, who was due to arrive at the hotel anytime. Elena had surely crafted it as we drove through hours of cornfields to arrive at this family reunion.

Her tiny fingers wrapped tightly around the envelope as the anticipation of her aunt’s arrival increased. It’d been almost a year since she’d seen this beloved aunt. Elena remembered gift giving was her aunt’s love language—she was excited to welcome her with one. 

Several more protracted minutes passed before her long-awaited car pulled up. She flashed a beautiful smile in Elena’s direction as she emerged from the car, while I kept a firm grip on my daughter’s hand to prevent her from darting into the lot.

Finally, aunt and niece were reunited—safely under the Super 8 awning. After hugs and initial hellos, Elena thrust the white envelope into her aunt’s neatly manicured hands. 

She happily received the gift and slowly began to lift the envelope’s seal.

By now a crowd of family had gathered—my husband, our 3 other children, my parents, my brother. We fixed our eyes on the envelope.

As the contents were revealed, the majority of the group smiled and offered comments like, “Oh, how nice.”

Not me. I started incredulously at the gift—one that made me feel like I’d been punched squarely in the stomach. 

In my sister-in-law’s hand were a pair of earrings. Earrings that Elena and I had purchased together during a special outing earlier that summer.

“Mom, let’s be matchy-matchy,” she had said while browsing earring choices. My heart swelled at the idea. So she and I had chosen the same brown, dangly, $10 pair and had worn them together frequently. Now my sister-in-law held one pair of these special earrings and, packed in my suitcase (to wear tomorrow) was my matching pair. 

How could she just give those earrings away so easily? 

I was processing the situation—hard.

How could she not want them anymore?

And, more importantly, why do I feel borderline sick over it?

I quickly began brainstorming solutions. Maybe I could step in and explain why those earrings weren’t available to be gifted. Or I could pull Elena aside, remind her that those were too special to give away, and demand she ask for them back. I could talk to my sister-in-law later, ask that she return them, and covertly slip them back into my daughter’s box of special items once home. 

Before I could act, an alternate thought surfaced.

Isn’t she free to give away what’s hers? 

You’re raising her in a minimalist family. Isn’t that what you’ve taught her about letting go?

While it stung a bit to admit this time, it was true—if something was hers, she was free to let it go. 

She didn’t have to keep it just because it had been a gift. She didn’t need to hold on to it simply because I deemed it worth keeping.

***

The same is true for you.

Once something becomes yours, you and only you can choose its fate. 

If your goal is to declutter your home and live with less stuff, then, as I was reminded that afternoon in that humid, Iowa parking lot, you must realize you are 100% free to let go of what is yours.

Even if it was a gift. And even if a loved one may temporarily care if you let it go.

Fear and guilt cause us to hold on to so many unused and unloved possessions. The sweater from your cousin that is scratchy and a color you never loved. That oversized wall art you inherited from your grandmother that just never will work in your home. The pair of earrings from your mom that you once loved but have now outgrown. You’d let them go… but what would they think?

Truth is, it doesn’t matter. 

The purpose of a gift is to show love. Once a gift has been given, its purpose has been served. 

In a healthy relationship, holding on to that item doesn’t make you any closer to or loved by the giver. Your relationship with a person is not held in a physical possession. Nor is it strengthened if you begrudgingly hold on to the no-longer-needed things they’ve given you.

Our memories and relationships with people are grounded in our past experiences and time spent with them, not our stuff. And if loved ones truly want what is best for us—while it could be temporarily painful for them—when we choose to let go of something they’ve given us, they will understand.

They are free to choose how they respond to our decluttering choices, and we are free to let go.

***

Later that evening, I pulled Elena aside, casually slinging my arm across her narrow shoulders. 

“You gave Aunt Tay-Tay your special earrings?” I began gently.

Her blue eyes widened and then darted downward. At that moment she realized I might care. She didn’t want to upset me.

“They were yours,” I continued. “And you’re free to do what you want with your stuff—your whole life, you always will be.”

Her face lit up, she gave me a quick, firm nod, and ran off to color with her older sister. 

***

I was thankful for this lesson in letting go, and grateful for the chance to reinforce what I’d been teaching my daughter—she will always be free to let go. 

When she’s 25 and on her own, she won’t feel pressured to keep any housewarming gift I (or anyone else) has given her. At age 40, maybe with kids, she won’t have to keep any unloved kids’ stuff I may have gifted them. When she is 70 and has inherited my possessions, she won’t feel obligated to keep a single thing that she doesn’t love.

She and I have a special relationship, and it is not founded on stuff, nor will it ever be. Her whole life, she will be free to relinquish her own things. 

I think she will remember and internalize this lesson.

Which makes me wonder about you…

Are you holding onto items from loved ones out of fear or guilt?

My hope is that, if you answered yes, then this lesson in letting go can help you too. 

You don’t need anyone else to give you permission—you can grant that to yourself.

You’re free to let go, you always have been, and you always will be.

***

Julia Ubbenga is a freelance journalist. Her teachings on minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living have reached over 1M people worldwide through her blog. Julia also practices what she preaches in her Kansas City home. She resides with her husband and their four extremely lively young children. You can also find her on Facebook.

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