Why Caring What Others Think Causes Clutter (And What to Do About It)

When I first started out on my minimalist journey, I had a major decluttering obstacle: caring what other people think.

Sure, when decluttering, I occasionally entertained thoughts like “What if I need this someday?” But it was the question “What if they find out I let go of this?” that was incessant.

All sorts of objects were subject to that debilitating question. 

That cumbersome crystal vase my husband’s great aunt gave us at our wedding that we didn’t use or love? I’d let it go… but what if she finds out?

That trendy H&M top I no longer loved? I’d let it go… but what if I don’t fit in as much next fall without it?

That bedroom nightstand I’ve really never used? I’d let it go… but what if someone finds out that I don’t own even a nightstand… I mean, every bedroom needs a nightstand… right?

What if they find out I let go of this?”

The question replayed in my mind like an obnoxious track on repeat. 

At times, “they” was an actual person. At other times, “they” was society in general. 

Every time “they” came into the picture, the imagined loss of approval was painful and real.

And so I often kept the item in question. Not because I needed it, loved it, or even used it, but simply because of a deep-seated need for acceptance. I worried that removing an item would equal rejection or a loss of love. My ability to determine the fate of my own possessions was strongly overshadowed by caring what others think—I was no longer free.

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. 

To some extent, we’re all wired to care what others think. In ancient times, not being part of the tribe jeopardized one’s very existence. The problem arises when the fear of rejection controls our behaviors, restricting our ability to grow into the people we’re called to become. 

For many of us, we’re motivated to declutter our lives because we want to get back in touch with who we are, create more time and space for what matters most to us, and live more deeply and in line with our values—all are unlikely to happen if we’re bound by approval seeking behavior.

Author Marc Chernoff said, “When you’re doing everything for other people and basing your happiness and self-worth on their opinions, you’ve lost the core of who you are. Constant approval seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself.” 

If fearing rejection and caring what others think prevents us from reaching our decluttering goals and being our truest selves, then what can we do about it?

Here are 5 ways to break free from caring what others think about you:

1. Let go of “end of the world” thinking

The best blueprint I’ve found to stop worrying about what others think is in Marc and Angel Chernoff’s new book “1,000+ Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships.” The Chernoffs explain we often seek approval from others out of a fear of loss or rejection. These fears especially thrive on “end of the world” thinking, where we’re convinced the worst possible outcome will occur (i.e., Not having a trendy outfit will lead to rejection in social situations). 

To counter this, the Chernoffs suggest asking yourself: “‘If disaster should strike, and my fear of being rejected comes true, what are three constructive ways I could cope and move forward with my life?’ Sit down and tell yourself a story (write it down too if it helps) about how you will feel after rejection, how you will allow yourself to be upset for a short while, and then how you will begin the process of growing from the experience and moving on. Just doing this exercise will help you feel less fear around the possibility of rejection.” 

2. Question what rejection really means

Realize that rejection has more to do with the rejector than the person being rejected. People who love you and support you want you to be well. Studies show clutter contributes to higher cortisol levels. If you decide to let go of an item to reduce the clutter in your home and improve your well-being, then people who love and support you will understand. Even if you choose to let go of something they gave you. Sure, they may feel temporarily disappointed, but if the person has healthy boundaries and truly wants what is best for you they will understand. And the relationship will not be harmed. 

The Chernoffs write, “Never sacrifice who you are or who you aspire to be just because someone else has a problem with it. When someone rejects you, don’t assume it’s because you’re unworthy or unlovable because, in many ways, all they’ve done is give you feedback about their own shortsightedness.”

3. Embrace your individuality

Life coach Elyse Santilli says, “No one is you and that is your superpower.” You are here for a reason and have a unique purpose. You can make a difference in this world that others cannot. But not by being someone you’re not and not by wishing you were someone different. 

Take time to get in touch with what you’re passionate about and then develop your life’s mission, purpose, and vision around it. Talk to friends or a mentor who knows you well and let them help you identify your strengths and talents. Develop a clear sense of self-purpose and you won’t have to look outside yourself to find your self-worth.

The Chernoffs write, “Constantly seeking acceptance and reassurance from others is a dead in journey. These things can be found only within you, not from others.” 

4. Acknowledge that external validation is only holding you back

Realize that worrying what others think is only holding you back in life, especially when it restricts you from letting go of clutter. Begin identifying what triggers these approval-seeking thoughts. At first, just observe. Then begin countering these thoughts with a truth statement. 

Say you pick up a gifted item and are ready to donate it, but soon feel intense worry that the giver will no longer approve of you. Catch this reaction and tell yourself, “This person wants what is best for me. Only I can know what that is. This possession is mine and I’m free to do what I want with it. Anyone who loves and supports me will understand that.”

The Chernoff’s write, “Anytime you interrupt your automatic response and respond differently, you are rewiring your brain to think more effectively. The ultimate goal is to never let someone else’s opinion become your reality.” 

5. Refocus your attention on what does matter

Your sense of self matters. Trust that deep down you know who you’re called to be. Take the time to get in touch with that inner guidance (through prayer, meditation, journaling). The Chernoffs recommend listing out 5-10 things that matter about your character (I am… honest, reliable, compassionate, positive) and referencing this list frequently to root your self-image securely in truth.

Let staying true to yourself—not the approval of others—be your measurement of success and determine how you feel about your actions.

The Chernoffs write, “A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are perhaps incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “what’s expected of you,” is a sure road to a regretful existence. Do more than just exist. We all exist. The question is: Do you live?”

So take a minute today and ask yourself, “Is caring what others think holding me back? Is it limiting my ability to declutter my life and make space for what really matters?”

If your answer is yes and you’d like more guidance to stop worrying about what others think, then I highly recommend checking out Marc and Angel Chernoff’s new book 1,000+ Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships. 

Never has there been a better time than now to work on overcoming the need for external approval. If it’s got a grip on you, now is the time to break free.

Life is too short to live it trying to impress others. Be true to yourself—your life will be better unmeasurably for it.

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Julia Ubbenga is a freelance journalist whose teachings on minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living have reached thousands of people worldwide through her blog. Julia practices what she preaches in her Kansas City apartment home with her husband, two extremely lively young daughters, and 10-month-old son. You can also find her on Instagram.

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I want to help you design a simple, intentional life! I’ve created a 30-day course that will guide and inspire you to declutter your home, heart and schedule, and live focused on what matters. Learn more HERE.