3 Powerful Ways to Teach Your Children Self-Care

During this year of COVID, like many families, we ventured into the world of homeschooling. It’s not what we had planned for our 7-year-old daughter, but, given the uncertainty that accompanies a global pandemic, felt it was a prudent choice. 

As I evaluated curriculum options last fall, perusing phonics and math books in hopes to figure out what a first grader needed to learn, I decided to improvise a bit.

Okay, so I decided to improvise a lot.

I added in classes like art appreciation and Spanish (might as well teach what I like, right?). But most importantly, I decided to put a specific emphasis on a “class” that would elude any elementary curriculum: self-care.

That’s right. Up there with reading, math, and cursive handwriting, this school year I’ve been teaching self-care.

Why?

Because it’s equally important. And needs to be intentionally taught.

Self-care, simply put, is pouring into ourselves so that we can pour into others. But this message isn’t one that can be extracted from our culture.

The American standard of constant busyness and trying to “do it all” has left many of us exhausted and burnt out. In fact, according to a recent Everyday Health survey, 57 percent of the participants admitted they’re paralyzed by stress and 30 percent required medical care because of it.

Self-care is necessary to live our best lives, letting us know when we’re running on empty so we can replenish our resources. Taking a break or a walk in the sunshine refuels us. Smelling essential oils or holding a hot drink in both hands grounds us in the present moment. A power nap or deep breathing exercises reset our nervous system, lowering our stress levels and improving our physical health and mental wellness.

Self-care is making space for self-awareness and self-acceptance (we are valuable simply because we exist—our performance doesn’t increase our worth). It’s adopting a worldview that values rest, connection, and living wholly. 

And thankfully, self-care is a skill that can be taught.

Here are the 3 most powerful ways I’ve found to teach self-care to children:

1. Model it 

Neuroscience says that we often become like those we spend the most time with, thanks to mirror neurons in the brain. Our actions and emotional state can be contagious on a physiological level, which is especially important regarding self-care. 

Counselor Nikki Cox puts it like this “When a child watches their caregivers take care of their emotional needs, they begin to learn how to do this for themselves. Whatever strategy a parent is using the child will likely copy. Good or bad.”

I know my daughters are constantly watching to see how I react, especially in moments of frustration, fatigue, and overwhelm. When I’m tired, I do my best to model resting instead of pushing through. When I’m frustrated, I model deep breathing to regain calm. When overwhelmed, I do my best to take a break to reset. 

When I do react in a way I wish I didn’t, I know these are also great teaching moments. I’ll catch myself and say, for example, “I didn’t use my calm voice there. That’s because I needed a break and didn’t take one. I’ll do that now.” 

When we become aware of our own needs and model meeting them, our children will indirectly learn to do the same.

2. Use a “Happy Box”

Emotional regulation and intelligence are important self-care themes. When we’re feeling a strong emotion, we need to know how to move through it in a way that supports our brain health. Negative emotions pull us into the lower parts of our brain and it takes work to engage our upper, rational brain again.

In our home, we use “happy boxes” to rebalance our brains after experiencing strong emotions. We also use them anytime we simply want a joy boost. Our “happy boxes” are decorated shoeboxes containing items that research has shown to change brain chemistry. Items focus on engaging various senses, activating both calming areas of the brain and the parasympathetic nervous system.

Here are examples of items you could include in a “happy box”:

Sight: photos of happy moments, a liquid motion timer, a glitter jar

Smell: essential oils in a roller ball or small spray bottle (we use Bergamot oil; studies show it calms the part of the brain that engages in over-thinking), rose water, smelly markers 

Taste: small candies or peppermints, flavored chapstick

Touch: a smooth rock (this can be placed on the neck if cold to stimulate the vagus nerve and promote relaxation and grounding), silly putty, gel shapes, scented lotion

Hearing: a small music box, a calming recorded message

Each of our kits also contain colored pencils and paper for coloring.

When any of us (myself included) is needing to transition to a better mood or work through a difficult emotion we use our box. When needed, our 7-year-old daughter will grab her box and take five minutes in her room using its contents. She returns in a completely different state of mind. She can tell the box makes her feel better, so she continues to use it, and as she does, she’s learning how to take better care of herself.

 3. Mention it

Whatever you talk about often stays in the forefront of your mind. If you make self-care a frequently discussed theme in your home, its value becomes evident. 

Sometimes this means commenting on what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. (“I’m going on a walk because I can think more clearly and act more patiently once I do.”)

Sometimes this means using questions to help our daughters understand their needs and how to meet them. (“You’re starting to use your upset voice. Ask yourself what you need right now.”) Once they label what they need (space, food, water, a break), then I help them meet that need. I’ll point out that they are taking care of themselves, which is important, ultimately, because they are important. 

Teaching self-care is a life-long process. When my “students” leave our home, I want them to be able to confidently say, “I matter. I am enough. I deserve to be taken care of.” And then know how to act accordingly. 

Self-care doesn’t have to mean a big investment (massage, trip to the salon); little acts of self-love done consistently go a long way. But if you’re wanting to teach your children self-care, then it has to start with you and it needs to be done intentionally. 

Our children need self-care skills to thrive in today’s world and as adults. We need to show them healthy ways to give their brain dopamine hits when needed and need to concertize the message that they are intrinsically worthy of consistent self-care. 

I encourage you to choose one of the three methods above and begin teaching self-care in your home. 

Your life and the lives of those around you will be immeasurably better for it.

***

Julia Ubbenga is a freelance journalist whose teachings on minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living have reached thousands of people worldwide through her blog. Julia practices what she preaches in her Kansas City apartment home with her husband, two extremely lively young daughters, and 8-month-old son. You can also find her on Instagram.

***

I want to help you design a simple, intentional life! I’ve created a 30-day course that will guide and inspire you to declutter your home, heart and schedule, and live focused on what matters. Learn more HERE.