How to Set Gift-Giving Guidelines for a Minimalist Holiday Season

A question I frequently hear from readers this time of year goes like this:

“How do you handle holiday gifts? I struggle every year to keep toys to a minimum. I ask for experience-based gifts, but it doesn’t always happen. What can I say to loved ones to let them know that kids don’t need all the stuff?”

Sounds relatable, doesn’t it?

The first Christmas after our family began living a minimalist lifestyle, I found myself asking the same question.  

While I love all things Christmas and the tradition of gift giving, living minimally had changed the way we interacted with our stuff. I knew we’d have to put guidelines on holiday gift giving this year to stay in line with our lifestyle. 

With two kids, both who have birthdays around the holidays, we easily were on track to inherit over 50 new items that year. At the time, we lived in a cozy, 1,000 square foot home and we didn’t have the space (or the need) for that much new stuff.

I knew I had to say something to our loved ones. But how? Would my extended family and in-laws be offended if I requested fewer gifts for our girls? What about people whose love language was gift-giving? Certainly they would be upset, right?

I took some time to think about it, and came up with a way to gently explain to my family how I was feeling. And you know what, it worked. Not immediately, but with time, they got it. And no feelings were hurt in the process.

Here’s the three-part approach I’ve taken when talking to family about holiday gift giving the last couple years. It’s a positive approach that has helped keep our Christmas more simple, calm, and more meaningful.

1. Express your gratitude.

The fact that family and friends want to buy things for your children is, first and foremost, a huge blessing. Gift giving is, after all, an act of love. These people love your children enough that they want to bless them with things they will enjoy. Putting gratitude-based guidelines in place can help limit what’s purchased while letting gift-givers still feel appreciated.

2. Find ‘your why’ before talking.

Take some time to reflect and even journal on why you want a simpler Christmas. Why do you want fewer gifts given this year? Maybe you just had your third baby and the idea of managing a lot of new stuff sounds overwhelming. Maybe your family just moved into a new house and you don’t have space for much more. Or, maybe you want to help shift your children’s focus to family togetherness at Christmas instead of counting the number of gifts they receive. Getting to the bottom of why you’re looking to simplify the gifts being given will be helpful when you approach loved ones about it.

3. Tell people what you’d like them to do (instead of telling them what not to do).

Tell family what your children would love to receive. I make a list of things I know our girls would love and use, and then, around the first of December, I begin sharing it with family. I usually send one gift idea for each girl per person, and leave the big gifts (bikes, scooters, a tent) for grandparents. 

I even try to match the gift request with the giver’s interests. For example, if my daughter is asking for books, then I will ask my mother-in-law for these because I know she especially loves giving them. We let material gifts come from family members, and then, as parents, we give our girls “experience gifts” (tickets to the Nutcracker ballet, a day ice skating at a downtown rink, a walk through the botanical garden’s light display with hot chocolate).

So the formula I’ve found most effective looks like this: Be grateful + state your why + tell people what you’d like them to do. 

Here are some examples of how you can say this:

“We are blessed that you want to buy our girls gifts. With two kids now, we have room for a new scooter and a play tent. They’d love these gifts so much!”

 Or, “We are so grateful that you want to give our children so many wonderful things. Right now we have space for art supplies and books. They’d absolutely love those gifts!”

One thing I’ve learned through this process is that it may take a couple years of talking to family before they catch on that you’re serious about your requests, but in general, they really appreciate the opportunity to give something they know will be loved and used well.

If loved ones still shower your children with random gifts after you’ve lovingly asked for intentional presents, don’t take it personally. Just stay positive and consistent with your message.

Ultimately you can’t control what people will purchase. But you can control your outlook and decide to be grateful.

You also control what you decide to keep in your home after the holidays. The purpose of a gift is to show love. Once a gift is opened and the love behind it has been appreciated, then the gift has served its purpose. If it’s not something that’s being used or loved at home, you can donate it so someone else can use or love it.

Keeping these three things in mind when talking to family has worked wonders in limiting Christmas gifts and making giving more intentional. Instead of bringing suitcases full of random toys home from holiday gatherings, we bring home select items our girls cherish and use throughout the year.

Instead of being distracted during the holidays and worried about my upcoming job as “new stuff manager,” I am now able to enjoy time with family more deeply and better give others the gift of my presence. And that alone, I’ve found, has made setting loving, gift-giving guidelines worth it.

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Julia Ubbenga is a freelance journalist whose teachings on minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living have reached thousands of people worldwide through her blog. Julia practices what she preaches in her Kansas City apartment home with her husband, two extremely lively young daughters, and newborn son. You can also find her on Instagram.