The Three-Minute Heart Meditation: How to teach emotional intelligence to children in a way they will listen.

One of my main goals as a parent is to help teach our daughters how to make sense of their emotions. I want them to understand that whatever they are feeling is valid, holds important information, and needs to be fully felt before it can pass. I’d like them to understand that uncomfortable feelings like anger and sadness really are okay and that experiencing them is a healthy part of being human.

So this goal sounds very well and good, but for me it’s been super challenging. Not because in a moment of 5-year-old-anger I suddenly decide uncomfortable feelings are wrong. Not because I change my tune and tell our daughter “stop feeling angry, right now.” The challenge is that I absorb the feelings of those around me…so quickly.

The moment a negative emotion crosses into our Kindergartener’s little self, I’m feeling it too. Before I know it, even if I’m telling our daughter it’s “okay to feel mad,” my nonverbals are communicating anger. 

This week I had an “ah-ha” moment. I realized that the message I was often sending our five-year-old was: “It’s okay to be mad, but I can’t handle your emotions. You’re anger upsets me.” 

Telling a child it’s okay to be mad while your teeth are clenched and muscles tense is not the way to teach emotional intelligence. No wonder my attempts to help her calm down usually escalated things – often to the point of yelling or a meltdown. 

So how to change things? In Dr. Judith Orloff’s book The Empath’s Survival Guide, she has a chapter on parenting (I highly recommend it for any parents who are highly sensitive or empaths). She outlines ways parents can keep their nervous systems calm and keep their energy centered when presented with the increased sensory input and busyness that comes with parenting.

Dr. Orloff points out that staying calm is important for parents because children absorb and react to their parent’s emotional state. “Your energy affects your children’s energy, so being mindful of how you express emotions is stabilizing for your kids. Acting out of frustration when you are in a bad mood will only leave them upset and confused,” she writes. 

She offers many ways to stay centered in the chapter, including the practice of a Three-Minute Heart Meditation. She recommends stepping away (maybe to a bathroom or bedroom if you’re at home) three times a day for three minutes to do the following simple meditation: 

• Close your eyes (if you’re somewhere that you can).

• Breathe deeply. 

• Place your hand on your heart.

• Focus on a beautiful image you love such as the ocean, a sunset, or your child’s face (I add in a prayer of Thanksgiving here for whatever gift I’ve brought to mind).

• Focus on the positive energy building in your heart and body while continuing to breathe.

After reading this, I decided to start trying a version of the Heart Meditation anytime I wanted stay calm when our daughters were experiencing negative emotions. I even decided to use it when I started feeling stressed because I knew a boundary that I was setting would cause a negative reaction (ex. “I know you want to watch a show on the tablet, but you can only do that after you’ve eaten lunch.”). 

In stressful moments, I found myself putting my hand on my heart, breathing deeply, and calmly telling our daughter “You’re mad and that’s okay. I’m going to keep myself calm right now.” Or “I’m going to take care of my energy while you are upset.”

After adopting this practice, my message has changed and my five year old can feel it. Now that I’m not absorbing her emotions anymore, she is more free to feel her emotion and let it pass (we don’t talk through negative emotions in detail since she’s only five, but we do label them and practice taking action to help them pass). She doesn’t have to feel confusion or increased anger from having a mom who verbally says one thing, but non-verbally says another. 

It’s been amazing this week to see how my ability to stay calm when our daughter is upset has been grounding for her. She calms down noticeably faster, responds better to boundaries, and listens to me so much better. 

I’m feeling encouraged knowing that I have another “parenting tool” to help keep my energy up and nervous system balanced throughout the day. Plus, I’m a more consistent parent, able to set healthy boundaries instead of bending to avoid discomfort.

If you find yourself reacting to the emotions of people around you or find yourself avoiding boundary setting or difficult conversations because they will feel too uncomfortable, try the Heart Meditation. I’m guessing you’ll feel more grounded, less affected by inevitable challenging moments, and able to live more intentionally throughout the day. And most importantly, your children will notice and will listen.