Need to Set Boundaries with your Phone? Here’s How.

I made a startling connection last month. After several attempts at guessing what was triggering our 19-month-old daughter’s loud, whiny “nooo,” I finally realized it was my iPhone. My hand, reaching for the phone. My eyes, locking down onto the screen – again. My attention no longer on her, although we were in the middle of an interaction, because a text alert had sounded. 

That protracted “no” was the wake-up call I needed. I realized my phone was dictating my actions, causing me to give priority to whoever had my phone number over my family. To think that’d been happening a while, without me even knowing it, was a humbling thought. 

We all know and appreciate the benefits of technology, but what about the dangers? Are we aware of how much time we spend on our phones? One study found that people, on average, touch their cell phones 2,617 times per day. And that’s only “on average.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook speaks openly about how he avoids becoming addicted to his iPhone. And Pope Francis has warned us of phone addiction explaining that “when the phone is a drug,” there’s a danger of “communication being reduced to simple ‘contacts.'” 

Clearly phones are changing our culture. Words like “phubbing” (phone snubbing – the habit of casually checking texts while talking to someone) and “the twitch” (that feeling you get when you just want to reach for your phone) are even popping up in our vocabulary. 

I began to wonder if there was a word in the parenting world called “kubbing” (kid snubbing – when a parent’s attention is constantly on a screen instead of his/her children). Now, all parents need breaks to parent well, and I’m a huge self-care advocate. But did my screen time breaks need to be frequently in front of our children?

The fear that our daughters would remember me as a mom whose phone had priority over them was a real one. I wanted to model healthy phone behavior to them and deepen our connection as my eyes consistently met theirs – not my screen. 

So what to do? While some people avoid using smart phones at all, I decided that wasn’t for me. But if I was keeping the phone, then it was time to set some real boundaries. 

Here’s what I did to put my phone in its place:

Observe your “phone behavior.”

Start to watch yourself around your phone. Chances are you reach for it impulsively more than intentionally. How often do you feel the need to reach for it? And when do you feel this need? Why? 
After observing my “phone behavior” a couple of days, I realized the biggest trigger to reach for my phone was simply seeing it. I usually kept my phone on top of the refrigerator – out of the reach of curious, little hands. If I walked by the fridge and saw it, I’d reach for it, even if I wasn’t initially planning to check my phone. Then I’d read a text and start thinking about it, sometimes forgetting why I was in the kitchen in the first place. 

Find a home base for your phone.

Your phone needs a home; a place for it to “live” the majority of the time. This home should not be your hand or pocket. A place that takes effort for you to reach is best. I realized that my phone needed to be somewhere I could hear it, but not see it. I decided to keep it on the charger in the master bedroom – the room I’m in the least during the day, but still a place that’s always within earshot. Putting distance between myself and my phone was helpful. Since I’d taken away the stimulus (seeing my phone), the response to randomly reach for it was gone too.  

Turn off your notifications.

Notifications take your mind away from being present to the people around you. Like it or not, a notification ding suddenly shifts your mind to wondering what you could be missing in “phone land.” I knew that hearing constant “dings” from text messages or social media alerts would also trigger a “need” to check my phone. So I turned all notifications off. (On an iPhone, go to Settings, Notifications, and then scroll down and switch them off for each App). I wanted my phone to ring when I got a phone call, but nothing more. 

Set specific “phone times.”

Are you deciding when you’re available or is your phone deciding that for you? I wanted to make my phone usage more intentional, so I set some specific “phone times.” Mine included: before 7:30 am, from 1-1:30 pm (during nap time) and from 8-9 pm. These were times our daughters were usually not around me, so my attention wouldn’t be divided. And this amount of time was more than enough for the blogging, texting, and emailing I wanted to do. Putting away my phone for the night at 9 pm gave me more time to talk with my husband, finish up house chores, or pick up a book I’d been wanting to read but could never find the time for. 

Find a replacement behavior.

Chances are you will still have a strong need to reach for you phone even outside of your set “phone times.” As I put this schedule in place, I found I’d have random moments when a “to-do” item would pop into my mind. I’d feel a strong urge to grab my phone and squelch it. If I didn’t act that second, I was afraid I would forget it entirely. I began to replace reaching for my phone with reaching for a pen and paper. I’d make a list throughout the day of people to text, emails to send, bills to pay – anything that I needed to do that involved my phone. Then, when it was one of my specific “phone times,” I grabbed my phone, my list and intentionally completed the tasks.

Examine your “phone beliefs.”

Let go of the idea that you have to respond to texts immediately. Our culture has cultivated the belief that we should all be completely available all the time. That’s not realistic or even healthy. Just because someone has your number does not mean that you are obligated to respond to them whenever they send a message. I used to worry that people would think I responded to texts too slowly. But I didn’t feel right interrupting a game with my daughter to respond to a text either. Once I let that go, I realized waiting to text back is actually better. I can write a higher quality, more intentional reply.  I can gather my thoughts and actually respond to a text instead of writing a rushed response because I’m worried about meeting some culture-imposed, reply-immediately standard. 

Putting these phone boundaries in place wasn’t easy. It was actually really hard. Which shows that it was really necessary. I now feel better about the model I’m giving our girls. And I and feel like I’m connecting with my family more throughout the day. I’m less distracted, more mindful, and even more efficient. And in my opinion, that’s a better way to live. 

I encourage you to try one thing on this list this week. See for yourself if putting your phone in its place makes a difference in your life.